Tag Archives: friendship

On birthdays, expectations and friendship

3 May

I am the person that is a loyal friend and someone who will always remember your birthday. I am also a friend that will expect YOU to remember mine. If not, then perhaps we are not meant to be friends.

I have a friend who lives overseas these days. I always remember her birthday and make sure that she receives a birthday card just in time. She never remembers mine. When she still lived here, she remembered because we usually went out somewhere. I still would like to be her friend and keep in contact but the inability to be a responsible adult annoys me greatly.

Perhaps I have to stop doing the following: making people feel special. For instance, I have an agenda where I write down all of my friends’ birthdays and I rewrite it every New year so that during the course of the year I can go ahead and congratulate that person. I always keep a stack of birthday cards in case it is someone’s birthday at work. So what that it is just a co-worker of mine? I know how nice it feels to open a birthday card so when I overhear a buzz it is someone’s birthday at work, I will sign the card and slip it into their mailbox in the main office.

When it is a close colleague of mine(and also a friend) is celebrating their birthday, I like to get a small gift for them, in addition to the card. Perhaps a journal, or a book, or a chocolate bar.

I also need to lower my expectations of people. Just because I am a very loyal friend that will gift you a very meaningful gift, show up for your party, make time to go out for drinks, and drive you home afterwards- does not mean that the rest of the people are like that.

My friends are a prime example. Here is what I got yesterday from my closest friends:

1. One Facebook wall post from one friend, sent her a birthday card for her birthday.
2. One text message and a phone call from another. Showed up at her birthday party with a gift.
3. A Facebook message and a voicemail from the third. Went to both her and her husband’s birthdays, with gifts.
4. None from a fourth friend. Actually, she is not really my friend anymore so that is ok. I have mailed her a card last year.
5. A Facebook message and a text message from a fifth friend. Went to her birthday party this year, with a gift.
6. A text from my sixth friend. Gave a gift to him last year.
7. Nothing from my seventh friend. Sent a card to him last year.
8. Nothing from the in laws, called last year, gave a gift.
9. A phone call from my dad in Russia and nothing from mom or brother.

My husband, however, compensated for all of them, put together. He knows me welling makes me feel more than appreciated.

How can I sum up this post?

It is clear that I am disappointed in my friends for being inconsiderate. It is clear I need to tune my gift giving tendencies down. It is also clear that I should lower my expectations.. Just because I remember everyone’s birthday does not mean they remember mine which shows me that not everyone is as loyal as myself, and not everyone believes in a fact that friendship in a two way street.

People I don’t understand (a judgmental post)

22 Jan

I know, I know. Don’t judge and you won’t be judged. But the following type of people has always puzzled/annoyed/confused me. I tend to be “live your life to the fullest” weird person and that, in turn, may puzzle/annoy/confuse people that meet me. However, in this post I’d like to describe some thing people (friends, coworkers, family) have said or done that annoy me a great deal.

1. “I am so busy”. “I am so busy I haven’t texted, or emailed or called. I am just so busy.”

That text takes 5 seconds, that email maybe a minute, that call to check in, maybe, what, 3 minutes? I really look down of people that claim how busy they are. My diagnosis of such behavior is that a) they simply don’t want to do it, b) they need to rearrange or simplify their life, and c) they need to decide which things are important and which are not.

To illustrate, I have a friend or shall I say a “friend”, let’s call her friend N. She can never make it to any of our get togethers, she is rarely available to chat, or check in, she rarely answers texts. So, guess what? I have stopped including her in the invitations. Why bother?

Similarly, a friend that now lives in another country, claims she is so busy, she can’t send a text. Forgive me, but that is just not true. I’d rather hear something like “I don’t feel like talking but I’ll text you when I do”.

2. “I can’t do something because of my mortgage/student loans/car insurance” also know as “I’m broke” or “I don’t have money aside from my mortgage/student loans/bills”.

I also tend to look down of people like this. Especially if they are my age or older (I am 32). Another friend of mine, let’s call her friend S, is making a good salary, has many tutoring clients, performs translation jobs on the side, and never has money! Mind you, she is single, living alone. Whenever we want to go somewhere, do something, the answer is “I have my mortgage, can’t do that”. Mortgage? She has a condo, not a house, how much can it possibly be? (Mine is $966/month).

It annoys me greatly that people work to just cover their basic needs… We live in an amazing world, that waits to be discovered. Atacama Desert in Chile; Antigua, Guatemala; India and Nepal, Morocco, South Africa, Chichen Itza ruins in Mexico, Buenos Aires and Rio… How can people be ok with NOT seeing those places because of mortgage/car insurance/student loans?

I am not rich and I also have a mortgage, student loans, and a car insurance payment. I am also enrolled in a doctoral program. However, I always make sure that I have money for things that I love, like experiencing this world to the fullest.

So, those are the two major things that I don’t understand about people. I concur that this is a judgmental post. Feel free to judge me, I will be ok with that.

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New York City Outing for Farheen’s Birthday

30 Jul

The ladies 🙂

IMG_2774Happy birthday to my dear friend, Farheen! We love you.

IMG_20130720_194308

Buddhakan, New York City. Moi, in the middle 🙂

On friendship

9 Oct

Two months ago my closest friend moved to a different country. At first it was a temporary thing but, as time progressed, it turned into a permanent venture. We loose touch with people in our lives all the time. But loosing permanent touch with this kind of friend is tough.

Some proverb argues that “Friends are God’s way to apologize for our families.” And boy, oh boy it is true in my case.

She was a friend who I could call at 4 am. She was the only person to whome I would admit that I was afraid. She was the person with whome I could really be myself without having to filter things I say; with her I could be vulnerabe, I could really let go, be at my worst and weakest. I have learned how to ask for help, I have learned what it is to be a great friend. And as social media makes this idea of a “best friend” overwhelmingly extinct, I was always happy to say that yes, I DO have a best friend.

The things I reminisce the most about are the brainstorming sessions that we used to have. We called it our tea time. Yes, we will have tea, with honey, and lemon, and talk, talk, talk. Talk about plans, better way to react to things, better way to deal with our mothers, better way to understand our significat others, better ways to get ahead in life. We would share our victories -both small and large – with each other. We will make tea, bundle up into sweaters, blankets (her house at times didn’t have heat on), and brainstorm. Sometimes we will call each other when we had nothing to say, really. “Just calling to say I am bored.” We will do “the cards” (old Russian Tarot cards) and interpret what they meant, trying to get answers to our life questions.

There are days when I feel a wave of immense sadness over not having my best friend here. Then there are days when I feel calm and just wonder what she might be doing at this very moment. As I grieve my friend’s presence in my life, I slowly accept the metamorphosis of our friendship. We still keep in touch, but the future of our friendship is uncertain. Realisticly speaking, we can’t keep the same form of relationship as before. As our friendship morfs into a different kind of relationship, I hope both of us will remember and value the good and the bad times that we had.

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